


restored

by katiecarothers



Series: putting the pieces back together [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Death, Depression, Divorce, Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Poetry, Multi, Poetry, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-10-18 20:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 69
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17588138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiecarothers/pseuds/katiecarothers
Summary: The third and final book of the “Putting the Pieces Back Together” series where many different things take place. This does not only mention references to the golden heart, the rapists, or whatnot, but also to death of loved ones, anxiety, depression, but ultimately overcoming it.





	1. when you almost lose the one you love

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Death.

my best friend was in a 

car accident last week

and when i found out,

i remembered the last

words i had ever 

said to her were

never spoken.

_-this is why i refuse to leave someone on read._


	2. last nights dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about an eating disorder and nobody really noticing that you have it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Bulimia

yesterday,

my sister

had a migraine

and ended up

puking up

last nights dinner

_-remember when i used to do that, Mom?_


	3. 16.

last year,

on March 16th,

i was going

to take 

my own

life.

_-and sometimes i still wish i did._


	4. midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of things go on during the Midnight and you’re kinda stuck figuring them out for yourself

and i named

my rabbit

midnight 

& blamed it on

her black fur

but i only named 

her that

because i 

needed

something good

to happen

at midnight.

_-i would rather hear your little hops than the shouts of Mom and dad._


	5. an apology for my lover

i am

so sorry

that you 

not only

get to 

see me

at my best

but you

still 

have to 

see me

at my worst.


	6. our shared scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This poem is about someone who struggles with self-harm, discovering that one of their closest friends do it too, and suddenly has a different approach on scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self-Harm/Cutting

my best friend 

showed me

the scars

on her 

wrists

and my 

heart 

stopped

when i 

remembered

those same

scars

on my

wrists.


	7. the familiarity of teary eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a continuation of the last chapter, this is about someone recognizing the same looks she gave people with the teary eyes and lies she used to speak her problems away, but the main role knows it all too well.

she told me

not to tell

anyone

because she

would be

just fine.

_-but i_

_saw the_

_tears in_

_her eyes_

_that were_

_all too_

_familiar._


	8. the words i never told myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 of the previous 2 chapters

_please._

_dont._

_cut._

_yourself._

_-the words i told you, but never told myself._


	9. glass on her wrists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter following the last four

of all people,

she told me

because

she could

trust me.

_-but with_

_glass against_

_your wrists,_

_was i supposed_

_to feel_

_the same?_


	10. Naïve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about being naive or oblivious to rape.

and when 

your girlfriend

tells you

that her rapist

is still 

one of 

her best friends

you suddenly

remember 

how naive 

you both are.


	11. “Don’t you dare”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is also about being raped and vulnerable.

and then my girlfriend told me

”don’t you dare tell anyone.”

as if her rapist consumed her

and replaced all the love

she had for me

with vulnerability. 


	12. advantages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about being taken advantage of but not in a sexual way- more as if you are being used.

when your former best friends

ask you

if you can do

their homework

are you supposed

to ask them 

to stop taking 

advantage 

of you? 


	13. finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a prose about divorce

so when 

my mother

_finally_

realized

that she

needed 

to divorce 

my father,

i had already

established

it was 

too late.

_-because it had already been 17 years of trauma; change was not an option anymore._


	14. jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about remembering something that someone has said by someone else’s words and the triggers that come with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger Warning, rape

> and a nice boy named jack
> 
> bought me subway
> 
> because he wanted
> 
> to make
> 
> me smile.
> 
> _-but that’s exactly what my rapist said to me, too._


	15. twelve days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been twelve days since I said something to you And I’m proud.

it has been 

_twelve days_

since i last talked

to the girl

with the golden heart

and i 

somehow

need to

remind myself

that i 

am

refined.


	16. a year ago, yesterday

a year ago

yesterday

i wanted

to end

my own life

but you,

took everything in you

to stop me

in hopes

to make

it better.

_-and now you’re not even part of my life._


	17. a sad excuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is about being traumatized so badly from sexual abuse that you can’t give the person you’re dating that back

i am

so sorry

to my girlfriend

who has to hear

the sad excuse

that i don’t want

to have sex with her

because he

took that power

away from me

and only gave back

half of it

from prison.

 


	18. why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about divorce

if you don’t 

want 

to be 

with him

then 

w h y

are you

still

with him? 

_-something ive been asking my mother_

_since the day he beat me with a belt._


	19. my first near death experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about abuse, suicide, lots of stuff my dudes.

my first near death experience

was when my father

got my family 

in major debt,

his temper grew like tumbleweeds,

and he threatened

to run us off the road

& into the freeway.

_-but when i tried to kill myself he_

_was angry at me for wanting to end it._


	20. trigger, triggered, triggering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is rape flashbacks, really. Don’t read it if you’re sensitive.

so today in study hall,

my rapist sat behind me.

trigger.

he asked the teacher a question,

leaving me to hear the same voice

that asked for permission

& lead me to question

if he even heard.

triggering.

i scratched my leg a few moments later.

i could hear his heavy breathing.

now i could feel his touch,

between my legs.

up to my thighs.

triggering.

trigger. triggered. triggering.  


	21. effervescent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about wanting to be happy and energetic but you can’t. It’s about looking at everyone around you and thinking “Why can’t I have that effervescent spirit?” and so forth.

and i remember

my freshman year

how effervescent 

i saw

a girl 

named abigail 

to be.

she was enthralling,

enthusiastic,

energetic,

everything

i had ever wanted

to be.  


	22. cramps

it hurts

so badly

when you have cramps

from your period

but you have cramps 

in your heart

from all the blood 

it bled

and the discomfort 

it also came with. 


	23. i am failing all my classes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t actually about failing classes lol

and my parents said

that i was failing classes

because i was working 

way too many hours.

but truth be told,

i only had a B+

and that just wasn’t good enough

for them.

_-i could only ever be a failure in your_

_eyes, hm?_


	24. red ink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self harm prose.

i started

to draw

with red ink

on my wrists

in hopes

to convince myself

that i did not need

to trickle blood

to see red. 


	25. today.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about rape

today, 

my rapist shopped 

at the same store

as me.

i asked the clerk a question 

and he mocked me

as if it were something

to laugh at.

as if i did not have the power

to tell the world

who he really is

any day,

even today.


	26. golden (a reprise)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about overcoming heartache and trials

to all my rapists,

sexual assaulters,

former lovers,

ex-best friends,

family that turned out not to be family-

thank you for screwing 

me up 

so badly.

_-because someday im going to be refined_

_and golden._


	27. only words can heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about overcoming trauma from rape. (Specifically through writing!)

 with the thoughts 

of his heavy breaths

and moans

into my mouth & ears,

the only one to save me

was my words.

_-and that’s the only thing im ever going_

_to thank you for._


	28. i am so proud of myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about being proud of yourself for making it this far! (Mentions of bulimia and cutting, be safe!)

today,

i am  _so proud_

 __ __ ~~~~ ~~~~of myself

for eating

6 plates of pasta

& if it all goes down

to my thighs

i will still be proud of myself

for not

slitting them.

_-i am so proud of how far along ive_

_come._


	29. unexplainable.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about losing everything that matters to you and being ready to end it all.

how do you explain

in your suicide note

that you are not

killing yourself

because of a silly, little breakup

but because

maybe

you lost 

the last thing

you could 

hold onto.


	30. where’s the princess when you need her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things don’t always work out as planned.

it’s nights like these

where you just wish

the princess was here,

not to comfort you in

a relationship way

but to simply 

comfort you

like it 

would

be 

okay.


	31. unapologetic

i am

so 

unapologetic 

for taking

the scars

you gave me

and tattooing 

over them

with rhymes

& ink

& everything

in between.

_-no apologies to poetry._


	32. i do not owe you any apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about not feeling sorry for someone who hurts you anymore and using your poetry as a coping method.

“you understand why i don’t like your

poetry, right?” she asked,

as if she deserved an answer.

i knew exactly why she didn’t approve.

_-but i do not owe you any apologies for_

_turning the heartache you gave me into_

_art._


	33. “frequently visited”

your blog

appeared

in my 

_frequently visited_

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~every single day~~

for almost a month

and then a few months

and then a year.

_-i didn’t even have to read a single word_

_to know you were ignoring me._


	34. changes

your girlfriend becomes your

ex-girlfriend.

your rapist becomes your

reason for that suicide attempt

and your heart?

your heart

just sits there

and bleeds.


	35. the last time

the last time

i stood 

in this spot,

i bought starbucks 

and kissed her.

_-now i buy starbucks and think about who kisses her now._


	36. headaches

he gave me headaches

& laughed

at the thought

of my heartaches.

_-no one will make me smile after what that boy did to me._


	37. blood

no one told me

the first time

i masturabated,

i would see blood.

_-and no one told me how happy id be that you did not get to do that to me._


	38. how it feels to be a former bulimic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Actual mentions of bulimia.

how it feels to be a former bulimic:

i ate an entire foot long sandwhich

  _- & i only half regret it._


	39. dear princess

dear golden heart princess,

please know

that i 

am sorry

for  giving you

all the blame

for melting

me down 

to iron.

_-i hope that you do not think i tried to degrade you as well._


	40. my greatest accomplishment

one day

i am going

to look

at you 

without

crying.

_**-this will be my greatest accomplishment.** _


	41. Recognition

i almost

considered

writing

my third book

about you.

_-but why would a rapist deserve so much recognition?_


	42. to this day

even

to this day

i will 

always

blame myself

for what 

you did

to me.


	43. butterflies (pt. 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about an abusive being able to have the power over you to control you and make you feel- lesser value that what you really are and they expect you to be fine.

the butterflies

in my stomach

have died

cuz you stole

all my strength 

yet still

expect me

to survive.


	44. heartbreaks.

my heart kinda breaks

but i guess

i did it

to myself.

_-but honestly, im just kidding, it’s a cry-out for help._


	45. butterflies (pt. 2)

he did something

to my stomach

and i don’t 

think butterflies

flutter hard enough

to make

your 

heart 

break.


	46. butterflies (pt.3)

my stomach churns every time i see him.

_-this is not what butterflies feel like._


	47. antidepressant

i wonder if on the days she forgets to take her tiny yellow pill, she thinks if she came back, she would be cured.

_-i wonder if i was ever your antidepressant._


	48. respect for women

this was

her third pregnancy

and she

was only

fifteen

years old.

_-but i have enough respect for women to not assume she is a whore._


	49. birthdate

please remind me

of a time

where a birthdate 

did not come

with a

suicide date.


	50. false hope

sometimes

i think

about you

and wonder

if you ever

think about me.

-this is your fault for instilling me with false hope.


	51. trigger warning.

it had gotten

to the point

where trigger warnings

meant nothing

but a sign

that this poem

may contain

rape.

_-every trigger warning was always brought back to this._


	52. nobody cared enough to notice

she lost enough weight to make her lightheaded and dizzy, but you thought  that she would be just fine.

_-nobody cared enough to notice._


	53. -a survivors chant.

say it with me, loud and proud:

~~ _mental illness is not a disease._ ~~

~~~~mental illness is not a diagnosis for insanity.

_-a survivors chant._


	54. in case she’s reading this

if you’re seeing this,

please know that i 

will always find you

one of the most

elegant creatures in

the entire world.

_-for the girl who somehow still melts me with her embers._


	55. you were (never) in love with her

you were never in love with her.

you were simply in love

with the thought

that maybe

someone

something-

could love you 

in the ways

he made

you hate

yourself.


	56. to all of you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is just to a few people in life that can resemble important areas in it. some of them are real characters, some are not. you can pick and choose.

my uncle is the reason that i am 17 years old and still do not define my body’s relationship with sex. he is the reason i do not wish to tell people i am a virgin. he is the reason it has been stolen from me. he is the reason i am not 17, but 7 years old- a lonely little girl afraid that maybe she will not one day be restored.

my father is the reason that i do not wish to drive yet. he has taught me that driving can lead to death, not because he died in an automobile accident but simply because he may surely be the one to kill me in one too.

my ex-girlfriend is the reason i want to be a mother more than anything.

my father, again, is the reason i will never be. he is a man yet though i generically take my mother’s traits, i am a splitting image of his anger and my chance to be a mother will never be restored either. 

my rapist is the reason that no matter how many times i shower, i cannot scrub the memories of him away from my mind- more specifically, from my body.

my girlfriend- is the only reason why i am living here today. i thank the gods everyday for her and pray that she can restore me from the belittling feeling that most of you cannot. 

the golden heart princess is the reason that no matter how many times i get accepted, i will always wonder if it is out of love or lust. however, miss. golden heart, please keep in mind that you are the only girl who may ever reach me how to be restored.


	57. so i asked her

my most recent ex-girlfriend told me that i resembled some of the same traits as she did- borderline personality disorder.

my girlfriend, who, was not my girlfriend at the time, was asked by me to confirm if this may be true. 

she agreed. she agreed and let me become the monster i am today. and though i am mending and we are mending together, i have every right to believe that i may never be restored.

 _-sometimes it is the ones we love the most that kill us._  


	58. stephen

there i sat,

straight in my chair

as i heard a voice

from behind me

speak to the class 

as if it were normal.

i recognized it,

he was here.

the boy who raped me

on my school campus,

was behind me,

instructing my class 

to do something

as if it were nothing

at all.

_-how i thank the gods his name was Stephen and not Kade._


	59. quote the scriptures (part one)

it may be easy to quote the scriptures and tell me that god loves me and has a plan for me but it is not easy to tell someone that they will overcome the trauma of abuse. 


	60. quote the scriptures (part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Definite mentions of rape/sexual assault & trauma. I do not recommend reading this because it is a little bit more graphic but you’re probably going to read it anyways, so just give it a kudos and be safe kids.

it may be easy to quote the scriptures and tell me that god loves me and has a plan for me but it is not easy to tell someone that just because they hear their rapists’ voice does not mean that he is there.

_-he is everywhere. he is between my thighs, slithering inside like as snake. he is inserting his tongue into my lips. he is pushing himself inside of me. he is moaning into my ear. he is always there._


	61. quote the scriptures (part three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is kinda inspiring. It’s actually a little personal, but it definitely does not deserve a trigger Warning except slight mentions of fathers abusing their daughters to the point they think they will be awful mothers in the future. It isn’t detailed well, but it’s important you understand it’s meaning before you go on. A few girls I go to school with found out that I write letters to my future daughter and I plan on saving them until she’s old enough to read them and then I’ll give them to her. (If I don’t have a daughter, I have one for my son- but I want a daughter so I can teach her the word No and teach her that she’s the daughter of a queen which makes her the next in line to the royal throne!) Anyways, it has gotten me very worked up. I may or may not write an entire book for her too! I do this with everyone else, so why not? I hope you guys are enjoying this though. It’s really important to me that you do but keep in mind I will always take constructive criticism!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously guys, give me nice criticism

> it may be easy to quote the scriptures and tell me that god loves me and has a plan for me but it is not easy to tell someone that just because her father did not treat her like a father does not mean that you can not treat your daughter like your daughter. 

_-damn well i plan on becoming the best mother i can be._


	62. the last of her kind. (GHP)

dear golden heart princess,

this is the last letter i will ever enscribe to you through my poetry. i owe it all to you for being my motivation. i thank you for breaking my heart because overtime, you helped me become restored. i have not gotten there entirely, (yet) but someday i will and i promise that i will give you the most beautiful dedication page that royalty deserves. you are the greatest of your kind- one and only, to be specific. i vow everyday to be sure that you, the last of your kind, will someday be the queen of restoration and you will no longer be the witch who melted me down to her embers. 

 

kindly restored,

the queen.


	63. last week.

last week i tied a noose around my neck and before i could kill myself i bawled my eyes out, crying over how f*cked up i could be for not even being capable of killing myself. last week, i survived. last week, i had given myself a chance to be restored. 


	64. restoration (pt. 1)

  1. look in the mirror- this is good. this is you. you are one of a kind and you will never find anyone as  ~~ugly~~   ~~~~ ~~~~beautiful as you are.
  2. smile at your bare complexion before you cake your face with your makeup palette that costs more than your one weeks grocery supplies. you need to get a good look at what you are going to remodel.
  3. pick up the makeup brushes.
  4. now put them back down.
  5. give yourself that big smile of yours once more.
  6. now say the words. “I love you.”
  7. repeat step six, but with meaning. (Continue Process until heart is stirred to believe this)
  8. brush your hair.
  9. get up. brush your teeth.
  10. eat.




	65. restoration (pt. 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: eating disorders

  1. eat. yes, eat.
  2. pick up the fork.
  3. chew your food.
  4. do not spit it out.
  5. do not excuse yourself. you are not going to force yourself to puke the little amount you have eaten.
  6. stay calm.
  7. savor the flavor.
  8. try it again.
  9. keep trying, beautiful. you’re this close to finding restoration.
  10. finish the plate. wash your dish. go to school.




	66. late nights

one day i am going to wake up at late at night and i will not be afraid of the dark where the shadows of rapists and abusers may appear at any moment.

_-fairytales don’t exist._


	67. dousing my fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about killing all your enemies but not the illegal way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just free information in case Becki reads this. Hadestown is NOT the best musical.

i am dousing my fire

and watching

every single one

of them 

burn. 

_-dust turned to ashes._


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i don’t know why it took me so long to finish this. actually, i do, but- oops

i may not ever succeed in overcoming my eating disorder. i may never forget the words my father said to me as he whipped my back and punched my face while i bled all because i simply stated that i love a girl. i may not ever forget my uncle whispering the words “don’t tell or else...” as he stripped my clothing down and continued to ram himself into me though my seven year old body said no. i may never forget what it is like to tell a boy that he may kiss you and then be sexually assaulted by him when you tell him that you do not want to see his member. i may never forget what it felt like to walk into the office and the principal told me, to be simple, that it were my fault that my parents treated me this way and it were my fault because of my past mistakes. i may never forget the way the golden heart princess showed me how to sew a broken heart and then watch her take the seams and destroy every little one with her seem ripper of iron. but i may have the chance to be restored despite all of this.

_-someday i will be proud of myself._


	69. the end.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. There’s no need for a trigger Warning. There’s no need to be upset when theres still hope. I don’t know any of you guys personally, and I don’t keep track of whom or how many of you do read my books, but if you do, i would like you all to know that there is hope. Someone out there cares about you- for example, myself. Feel free to leave a comment if you ever need to rant or talk or whatever. I will try to get back to you as soon as I can and I appreciate the love and support. Let me know what y’all would like to see next!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See Chapter Summary.

this is the end.

it will not be the ending of me,

and definitely not my story,

but from now on,

we are taking the old,

fragile, watery imitation

of the girl i was trying to be

and we are restoring her

back to life

to the fire she was

in the first place.

_-i warned you when you play with fire you were bound to get burned._


End file.
